Truth or Deer: The Catalysts of Change

In preparation for this big family reunion, we thought we would showcase what we do best… creating and hosting community events. We chose to do a pizza night for the family and our private endeavor that was known as the Prosperity Private Club. In honoring the Italian roots of the family, we thought this would be a wonderful way to involve them as well as for them to have a chance of participating and experiencing the phenomenal amount of energy from our neighbors and supporters. It was a lot to do, as pizza nights often take days to prepare for with the making of the dough and the slow cooked pizza sauce. However, with our eyes set on the experience we wished to create, we set off to work.

The first person to arrive was Aaron’s brother, Shannon (or Georgio as I know him by). He arrived before the rest of the relatives showed up. It had been a couple of years since we had seen him and as Daniel’s only uncle, his presence was joyfully received by us all. We asked him if he would like to help with pizza night by helping make a pizza sauce. He lovingly accepted the challenge.

As we caught up with him, we finished making preparations. It was not long before family started to arrive. From aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews and a sister, the spaces in the property were filled with laughing, excitement and the deep belly laughs that only the Imhofs can deliver. Everyone was thrilled at the opportunity to meet (some for the first time ever) and discover what we all had been so hard at work on. When they learned that we would be hosting a pizza night, they lit up with joy and curiosity. They loved the idea of the supper club and wanted to see it in action. We explained that we wished to do a pizza night to honor them and the family traditions they shared. We told them about how these events are our most popular and that more than likely, the cafe would be filled to the brim with guests.

The next few days with family were cherished, just as much as they were savored. The time together flew by and although we did the best we could to make the most of each and every moment, we knew that soon everyone would eventually have to leave and return home. Between the conversations and sightseeing trips, Aaron and I prepared the dough. We made 60 dough balls and then par-baked them the night before our event.

As we worked away, Aaron took notice of the sauce that Georgio was making. It looked delicious and had been simmering away for a couple of days, yet the chunky and thick consistency did not make it suitable for pizza sauce. When Aaron inquired if he was going to puree it down, Georgio replied no and that he wanted to contribute his own creation for the event. Tension began to rise, as it was not clear as to what the sauce would even be for.

Stress was normal before we put on any event, but pizza nights were harder as it often required days to prepare. Given that we were already spending late nights catching up with family and getting up early to make coffee and prepare breakfast for our guests, the exhaustion was setting in. We quickly ran down to the store and purchased what we needed and immediately prepared a sauce. We pushed on while being aware that the family had yet to see what a full production looked like for a dinner event.

Pizza night was scheduled to take place on the last night that all the family would all be together. As we raced to finish the set up, we explained to the family how everything would work. We had set up a cold table where each person could put toppings on their own pizza crust that we had par-baked. Next, we would run the pizza through the conveyor oven where upon being fully baked, it would be sliced and served up to the person who created it. We also set up a pizza and salad bar where people could come and get slices of pizza that were under a warmer and get breadsticks along with fresh greens grown in the greenhouse from our aquaponics system. The sauce that Georgio made would be set out there as it would be a dipping sauce for breadsticks. As all the final touches were made, we began to throw in the first pizzas in to bake for the pizza bar just as members of our supper club began to arrive. The family sat in awe, as the soon every seat inside and out was taken. The 40+ members of our community were elated to meet our family.

I will never forget this night, as it honestly was one of the best nights of my life. It made all the hard work and effort of building what we created worth it and more — and to have family members see the value of it who had helped us purchase the property and watch the evolution of what it had become be a part of the experience, my heart burst with joy, purpose and fulfillment. On that night, everything came together in a way that made me feel so deeply grateful, soulfully fulfilled and connected. I felt I had arrived at a monumental milestone in my life, as I had accomplished something so deeply satisfying and meaningful. Little did I know that would all disappear in a matter of weeks…

The morning following our pizza event was filled with emotion as well as exhaustion. As we savored the incredible experience we had managed to create, there was also a lot of bittersweet things that had gotten stirred up by being in the company of family members. There were memories and topics that came up that had never been talked about or shared. There were secrets revealed as well as potent realizations that naturally accompanied the truth and missing pieces of the story. Given that I had married into this family, I was able to take on the role of the witness, supporter and observer. These stories and past accountings were not mine, however, the affected me. They affected everyone.

That morning I was greeted by an intensity and surge of emotional energy that I had never witnessed with Aaron. He broke down in a way that all of his walls and guards fell away. Astonished and deeply moved, I sat with him for nearly two hours in the cafe away from the family to process what he was feeling and wrangling within. His uncensored emotions and thoughts filled the room as he shared all that he had been holding. There we vacillated between the extreme highs and lows as we swung from grief, shame, blame and anger to love, joy, happiness and gratitude. Back and forth we moved until the emotional pendulum fell still. As I held and comforted him, we decided it would be best to reconnect with what family members had not left. As we made our way over to Rose’s house (Aaron’s mom), I remember him holding me in a way that I had never felt. In that moment, I could connect with just how much I mattered and how my work and gifts had made such a difference in not only his life, but in his family.

As we entered the house, the living room was bursting with talk and later singing. Everyone, although tired, was still marveling at last night’s success while also sharing what a wonderful time they had. The same movement of the emotional pendulum that we experienced in the cafe was also in the house. Between each word and pause, you could feel the intensity making its way through everyone and every thing.

Later on that afternoon, we said our goodbyes. It was now just us and Georgio. The exhaustion had taken over and a desire to retreat to our 5th wheel trailer and recharge took over. As we collapsed and ate left over pizza, we left the dishes and clean up for later. We slept and slept some more. The next morning, we awoke and were still tired. We were invited out for a walk, but politely declined saying we needed more rest. When Georgio and Rose returned, they shared that they had spotted a dead deer on the side of the road nearby. Given that deer get hit by cars often where we live, we did not think too much of it. However, as Rose and Georgio began to talk about food security and supply chain issues, the topic of being able to fend and forge for yourself took hold. None of us are skilled hunters —- period. However, as the discussion continued and DIY deer butchering videos played in the background on YouTube, a curious fixation on this dead deer began to emerge.

Still exhausted, I opted out from the debate after sharing my thoughts of working in the food processing industry, I retreated to the 5th wheel for a nap. Aaron soon left to work on doing some clean up in the cafe. When he returned to the trailer, he shared that Georgio had made the decision to drag the dead deer home and practice butchering it with the intention of eating it despite not knowing exactly how it had died, and how long it has been dead for (although it was speculated it was within a day). He asked Aaron if he would like to join him, to which Aaron declined. Agitation began to sink in for both of us, as I wondered where he would do the butchering and what tools and knives he was going to use.

We decided it would be best to go out for dinner to get away for a bit. As we left, we saw that the deer had been strung up in the door of the semi trailer (that we were doing fundraising to turn into a tiny home) and that a ping pong table was being used as pieces of the deer were processed. Flies and wasps were everywhere. Disgusted and horrified, I worried if this deer would make its way into the cafe. Dinner was heated. This event ignited a slew of past memories where previous fights and past trespasses served as gasoline to what was quickly becoming a raging inferno. When boundaries get violated and no accountability is taken, it serves as a breeding ground for resentment to take hold and fester.

This is the part of the story, where things get tricky. As a keeper of my accountings of what transpired, I must remain vigilant and true to my experience and truth. However, in saying that, I am fully aware that there is an expectation from family as well as society, to not air dirty laundry. So in saying that, what I am about to share with you is done with the distinct intention to share the events that shaped and influenced who I had to unbecome and become to get through what I had to face and come to terms with. Although they involve other family members and friends, the truth is that these people served as the other actors on the stage of life that were playing out their roles and stories along with mine. Thanks to the amazing teachers and mentors I have had along the way, I was able to recognize that what was happening was a challenge for me to address and that in order to do so, it would require me doing things I had never done. This is why I write what I write. This is also about sharing my truth so that I can let go of what I have been holding so I can move forward.
This is not about assigning blame or generating shame. It is not about exposing weaknesses in an effort to gain favor. This is about truth… my truth and honoring the experience that I recall that was indeed my reality.

So back to where we left off…

When we returned, Georgio waved and smiled. The deerskin was hanging on a step ladder and the remains of the carcass were on a tarp. He still was hard at work and I made it clear to Aaron to tell him that he was not to bring the deer into the cafe nor use any equipment in there. Aaron relayed the information onto him but after speaking to him, something within Aaron began to snap. It was not much longer before he went full on Italian where both of them put on show for the neighborhood for nearly 45 minutes. I have witnessed many fights between them both over the years, but this one was for the books. Being nine years a part and having very different experiences with their parents and growing up, each had their perception of reality and truth. As I tried to get Aaron to stop, I recognize that what I had witnessed the day before with his emotions could not be contained. He showed no restraint as he released and unfiltered thoughts for all to hear. I left and alerted Rose as to what was happening.

As the anger rolled though, I watch as Aaron softened. His anger turned to remorse. Soon he began apologizing to Georgio. I watched as Georgio shifted. It was not long before both began admitting their faults and then laughing about the show they had put on. Their attention turned back towards the deer. In keeping a close eye on what was going on, I was in the cafe continuing to clean up. It was not long before both brothers came into the cafe with a severed deer leg in a 5 gallon bucket. With a cheerful demeanor, I debated as to whether or not I needed to put on my own show. My desire for peace and longing for rest won. I kept quiet and seethed in my own disappointment that my request for not bringing the deer into the cafe was ignored.

The next morning, we called a family meeting to discuss what happened. As everybody worked to reconstruct the events that led up to the fight the night before, the discussion intensified. Despite all the discomfort that I was feeling and observing, I shared my frustration for not having my needs for safety met. I explained that I was upset about having my request to not bring any part of the deer into the cafe ignored. I stated that again my position and frame of reference was due largely in part by working in the food industry (particularly in food processing and manufacturing) and that I felt it was our responsibility to make sure the cafe is a safe space for our family and our members. I also expressed a sincere heartfelt concern for each of their safety, as Rose and Georgio wanted to eat the salvaged deer meat and that I worried for them given that we did not know exactly how it had died and how long it had been sitting on a warm July night and morning. I stated there was no consideration or plan put in place for disposing of the remains of the deer and where to store the deer meat. Given the lack of planning and disregard for asking for permission to do this was a significant boundary violation.

When the meeting ended, I felt deeply unsettled and unsafe. It was clear that we needed time and space to sort things out and that the issues and concerns that surfaced would not be getting resolved any time soon. A lot had been stirred up with this family reunion and the old hurts and resentments that had once again surfaced were making it very challenging to overcome.

The weeks that followed after Georgio left were hard and were only going to get harder. As we worked to try and stabilize ourselves and the dynamics at play, it was clear that everyone felt unsettled and unsafe. This coupled with the huge amount of investment that each of us had made in the property and how a conflict like were facing was causing everything to unravel at an alarming pace was cause for concern. We had no formal agreements in place.

Rose was extremely emotional and in replaying old family memories, traumas and hurts coupled with the sadness that she may not see her sister again due to growing older, conversations around decision making, agreements, as well as establishing and holding boundaries became difficult to have.

In mid August, we worked to get back on track with planning for the tiny home build. Given that we had received the $10,000 to put toward the build and that we were working on other fundraising endeavors to get materials and amenities, I was aware that even though we agreed to use the semi trailer for the build, the title was in Rose’s name. I shared my concerns about doing the build if we did not have a way to make sure the semi was figured out so we could avoid future problems. Things quickly spiraled out of control. Rose backtracked on her agreements and even forgot the details of the letter that was submitted to apply for the $10,000 for the project. When I offered her money to purchase the semi trailer, she declined and then stated that because she owned the property that she would not allow another semi trailer to be purchased and parked to do the build. When asked what to do with the money that we had received, she stated it would be best to give it back. The exchange was extremely alarming and crushing. All fundraising and event planning immediately stopped along with funding and support to make property improvements.

My fear for her mental and emotional well being were growing day by day along with my stress level. Fighting occurred daily and was making it increasingly harder to do my healing work. My home was not the sanctuary I needed. Instead it was a war zone. As things grew increasingly unstable, things reached a pinnacle when she announced that she had decided to sell the property without even talking to us. Even though her intention was to try and have each of us get money so we could move on and decide where to go next, she did not consider that we would be ineligible for a loan, given that we had not worked for a company in years and had poured everything we had to making the property better.

It was at the moment that I found myself feeling like what had happened to us with Ingenuity Innovation Center was playing out all over again. It was one thing to have a trusted “friend” help and then take over your home and project, but it was another to feel betrayed by a cherished family member who also lived that nightmare at Ingenuity with you.

Aaron and I decided it would be best to leave for the winter and give some space for things to cool down. We made arrangements to stay with friends up in the Portland area. Given that we lived in a 5th wheel, we could easily relocate there. When the news was announced to Rose, she acknowledged it would be a good thing. However, as the days went by, she grew sad and more confused about our decision. We also had concerns about leaving her alone.

In September, I made a bold decision. I decided to take the $10,000.00 we were given and invest it in a travel trailer. I found an incredible deal and with a trade in our old Isuzu truck, I was able to negotiate a deal for $7,500.00 for a 2014 trailer that was worth $18,000.00. It technically met the conditions of a tiny home and could do everything we initially wanted it to while hosting guests. Plus, it was more portable to take to other projects and work with our non profit partner, Farmer Frog located in Washington. The family was very upset I purchased it, but with no other clear option of what to do with this money and invest it as it was intended to be invested, I decided it would be the best and most responsible thing to do. My hope was that also by having it, we could hopefully take some family trips away from the property to rekindle a connection and build some positive memories.

Reluctantly, Aaron helped me bring it home. With the remaining funds, we made some improvements and upgrades to trailer. As it came together, the attitude toward it being a threat changed. In fact, Rose even sewed pillow cases for cushions and helped with cleaning. It was a welcomed change that certainly gave some hope. However, the intense emotional exchanges that were often accompanied by fights ensued. My stress level had reached a point where I was unable to do my healing work, homeschooling, and function as a provider for my family. I was falling. Depression had fully set in and I felt trapped. I was losing weight quickly and I did not feel safe.

While all this was going on, I struggled to know what to tell people who were a part of our community and supper club at to what was going on. Although I had shared that we needed a break to regroup, the weight of everything took a toll. I often thought about all the hard work and outreach I had done to build what we had created. All the hours and effort —— gone. I was angry at what unwanted gifts the deer brought to me and my home.

Days were spent in bed. In pushing on to do my work, I felt the quality of what I was giving my clients was in decline. I often would look in the mirror and see a hollow shell of myself peering back at me. These glimpses reminded me deeply of the time that I broke when I was in Service Creek losing my marriage, town and all of my investment.

I decided I that I needed to go and take a break so I could calm me and my nervous system down. I made arrangements to bring the travel trailer up to my friend’s home a little over 2 hours away. Aaron was very angry I was leaving. I told him I was breaking and falling apart. I needed help and support and the stress at home was too much to bear.

The day that he brought the trailer up was bitter. I knew he was sad, but the unfiltered emotion we both carried spilled out. It broke my heart to have Daniel see what he saw. Home was no longer home and the relationships he relied on to feel safe and secure were beginning to degrade. Someone had to do something different and in my mind, I knew I needed to be that variable. I just needed space…

For the next two months, I traveled back and forth to the trailer and home. Aaron refused to accompany me. Although it was hard, I savored the silence where I could hear myself think and process all that I was navigating. Deep down, I knew I needed to become someone else to not create another ending I had already lived. I had a choice and in being my family’s villain, I needed to have the courage to be disliked and even hated. I had to make a tough decision, keep fixing everything and being the people pleaser I was conditioned to be, or demand better for myself. Having the support of my friends, I was able to see how I often would put myself last and settle for scraps.

My absence was deeply felt and I leveraged it to force the hand that in order for me to return and reengage, that I needed five things to be collectively agreed to and actively worked on. They included:

• Establish a percentage of ownership for the contributions that each of us have put into the property.
• Gain answers to the proposed questions that were brought up in conversations for a legal consult around estate planning and risk management.
• Future planning and decision making for the overall property. (This includes selling, staying and improving building structures, renting/leasing, etc.)
• Contingency plans that include change of heart, accountability and remedies for if and when things arise.
• Any other areas of concerns.

Together, we agreed that we would work on all of these pieces. The meetings in December were beyond stressful and charged with anger, distrust and raw emotion. I recall having to leave because we could not stay focused or make progress, which only added more chaos into the mix. With tension running high, people would often forget what was said to one another out of haste or frustration. Therefore, we decided to it would be best to start recording the meetings and document what we discussed in meeting minutes. To my relief and surprise, the drama began to fall away. We finally were starting to get traction and make some positive steps around creating a safe and stable space to create in.

I returned home for Christmas and the smell of black mold in our 5th wheel was unbearable. Aaron was not sleeping well and we were both concerned that by continuing to stay in there that we would jeopardize our health. Aaron suggested we move into the cafe. It was not being utilized since all of the events had stopped. Everyone agreed it was the best choice so we moved in.

As we shifted into the New Year, we did our best to connect and create good memories. We continued to meet and work on what we could, and I continued to travel up north as needed to get a way and recharge. An appointment was made to meet with a senior legal service in Eugene. We waited for months for the next opening. When it finally happened in May, we found an incredible attorney to help us with our estate planning. As we got things into place, we started to mend the deep fractures in our relationships. The whole process was a testament to the love we have for one another to work through something that honestly would have destroyed most families and couples.

Things are better. Rose decided to gift the semi trailer to Aaron for his birthday last year. We still live in the cafe and miss doing events. With our attention focused on making money so that we can establish a home for me, Aaron and Daniel, we are working to generate the funds to improve our quality of life while also still beautifying the property. We work part time in the Portland Metro area with a solar company that belongs to my friend. The travel trailer has been relocated up there for the time being serving a base for us to work and stay at. As we navigate the ups and downs of this volatile industry, we are figuring out next steps of what to do and create.

The deer event was a catalyst. As much as it was an unwelcome and unwanted gift, it brought death to the things that needed to perish, decompose and give rise to something new. I feel like I have lived and died so many times this last year. Although I feel lost and without a direction or fulfilled purpose as felt during the last event we hosted, I still press on. What I can say though, is how my direct experiences have deeply helped others with the healing work I do. It takes a lot of courage to break patterns, embody new characteristics and qualities that shake the very foundation of yourself and others. In order to get through what I had to face, I had to invent a new story and a create a different vision of myself. As I did this work, I changed my look. The wigs I wore, the personas I tried on were intentional as to challenge who I thought I was while exploring what and who I could be. I am not the same Kate that many of you once new. I am someone else and I am continuing to grow to become a person I love, cherish and will put first instead of last.

I am a masterpiece in motion.

I am undefeated!